i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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