please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
