I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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