I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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