I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
