It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
