My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
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Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.