Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
