When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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