sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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