Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
