i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
