I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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