My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
