I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
