Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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