Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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