i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
