winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
