You smell like stripper and shame
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
