i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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