We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
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