FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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