You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
