i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
