she takes plan B like it's going out of style
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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