i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
