Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
