how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we're so committed to being not committed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
