Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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