i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
