i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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