your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
