drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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