I didn't shave. On purpose
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
