2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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