went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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