So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?