oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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