i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.