she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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