They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
