Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
