The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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