So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I want is dick and wine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
