so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
