AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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