Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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