Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
