Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
