I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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