when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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