Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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