life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
