I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
