2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
