Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
that is very illegal...i love you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
