Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
