remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
