he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize
