Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
