just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
